I am still on the diet and glad for it. There are some hard parts that I have really been feeling today, though. For the first time since the beginning of the diet, I left the house in a hurry and did not eat breakfast this morning. This was foolish. I should have known I would feel weak by one o'clock when I returned home not having eaten breakfast or and only eating the pickings of meat off of the sandwich at lunch. I was at a publisher's conference this morning, you see. But when Panara Bread caters an event as they did this one, I couldn't find a single thing to tide me over beyond the orange juice.

Another question is, how much am I budgeting for this health food store diet? I receive Food Stamps for goodness sakes. I am well within the bracket of financial neediness. I make about a fourth of what most 29 year old women make according to Wikipedia. And health foods are expensive. Ideally I would make my own bread (with gluten free/wheat free flour.) But for practical purposes, I didn't have time to pack eat my corn flour English Muffin this morning, let alone pack my usual lunch. There also is the issue that I don't have a car to get to the grocery store. So where a month ago, I went out whenever the milk ran out, I really am having to plan ahead now.

And that is the moral of today's story. Missing breakfast and pretty much missing lunch made me feel weak, even vulnerable. Every time I have to choose between poisoning or self medicating my body with Doritos or coffee, it is a serious choice to take. I hate being hungry and it is difficult to go around with low energy. But that is not the whole story. That is the story at the end of a messed up day. But tomorrow I will learn from this mistake. I will set my alarm in the morning so I can cook my corn muffin. I will make time for cooking and packing food. Food is so vital to life and so integral to our emotions that it is self denial to choose Doritos. I should be proud of today for today I was a conscientious objector. Today I looked in the eye of unhealthy foods and chose health over hunger, long term over immediate gratification.

Once I went to a pot luck in a Unitarian Church. An old man was complaining to me about his brother, who was eating himself in the direction of heart disease. I remember him resenting his brother for his lack of self control about food. I have devolved over the past 10 years in the food I eat. When I was 19 I had an endless supply of chocolate chips in my place of internship and residence. I was unafraid of the chocolate chips, then, when I weighed 125 degrees. I knew I was gaining weight, and I felt sad, but I wasn't aware of the significance of the unlimited chocolate then. When I figured this out, my habit had grown. I opened Pandora's box and found an addition equation of food after food. I tried cutting back now and then, but never stuck with it, or examined it in writing, or saw the connection with my mood.

This moment in time is a courageous time for me and nutrition. It is a great time for me to extend my life expectancy. I am going to help myself live much longer this way.